13 December 2008

Fashion Victim

Orla's been choosing her own clothes for a while. This is an ensemble she put together herself and like a true fashionista she got her accessories at the local charity shop.

24 October 2008

Evil is Abroad

We’re practicing for Halloween. This excellent outfit was posted from Ireland. I can see many minutes of maniacal cackling ahead.

22 August 2008

Feeding Time at the Zoo

I can remember when breakfast was a quiet time of day, silently ruminating on the morning fare and peacefully contemplating the day ahead.

Nowadays breakfast time at our house is more like feeding time at the zoo, except the chimps have highly developed negotiation skills, cuter smiles and worse manners!

03 August 2008

Glitter Nail Polish $1.00 - two hands

Orla and Mia tried their hands at some enterprise today. The venture was only partly successful due to a shortage of foot traffic. After Nana and and the girl from across the road visited nothing else happened. So it was closed down and the revenue raised went towards paying creditors.

21 July 2008

Brisbane Festival

This was the biggest shark I have ever seen. I was almost ready to turn around and go home when I saw it, but Orla pointed out to me that it wasn't a real shark, for three reasons.

1. There's no water in the sky.
2. Sharks can't fly.
3. It's a kite!


06 July 2008

Orla Turns 5

We had a birthday party for Orla a couple of weeks ago, it was all about
butterflies. Sue was forced to test her baking skills and produce a
butterfly cake. This is the result.

I had to call on all my years of clowning around to keep 10 kids entertained
for 2 hours. One of the adults asked Sue if I was available for hire. Sue
told her that although my appearance fee was low, my ongoing maintenance charges were astronomical.

Orla and her buddies had a great day and we made it to the end of the party
with no injuries.

05 July 2008

Things you never thought you would have to say...

Stop feeding your sister toilet paper

30 June 2008

Flower Power

We went to the Brisbane Botanical Gardens today. The kids had a great time, especially when we hired the bike with a trailer – the guys in Asia really earn their money towing overweight tourists around, I’m still suffering after towing a couple of pre-school age children.


Orla was feeling very peaceful at lunchtime.


28 June 2008

All Dressed Up And Nowhere To Go

Orla is off to see Disney on ice today. Tillie has her Cinderella dress on in anticipation, but this is when she learned that this time Cinderella wasn't going to the ball...

26 June 2008

Feeding the Baby

If you've ever been for a walk with a four year old you will understand that walking is not the purpose of the outing. So when I walked to the park with my girls last week, I wasn't surprised when Orla took her 'baby' in a pram. On the way the baby, who is a pink elephant named Ella, needed feeding and so, like any modern mum, Orla hitched up her shirt and put the mastodon on the mammary.

11 March 2008

Attack Puts Brisbane Boy Out Of Dance Comp

The "So You Think You Can Dance Dream" is over for Jack Chambers. A bizzarre assault has left him unable to compete.

Police have released this gruesome image in the hope it will help identify his attacker.

23 December 2007

Scientifically Santa - by A. Non

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.

Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second.

This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks.

This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element.

Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them... Santa would need 360,000 of them.

This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. This would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake.

The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.

28 November 2007

Cogito Ergo Sum

I had the questionable fortune of witnessing a dowsing last night. No fires were extinguished, this dowsing involved bent coathanger wire being used to detect biophysical auras. (It could be dousing, I really don't know)

I have seen this before on TV, but never in real life and I am quite sure I saw the "dowser" move his wrists to make the wires cross at the appropriate time to prove his point.

This presentation was to demonstrate how certain thoughts can change your aura and, in the preamble to the dousing, he quoted the French philosopher Descartes. The fact that the presenter put three syllables in the philosopher's name, and that he referred to him as Greek, did little to convince me of his authenticity.

But, putting aside my skepticism, I couldn't help admire his enthusiasm for what he was doing and his seemingly genuine belief in the process. I even asked myself whether he realised he was moving his wrists. In some ways, he was the embodiment of Descartes Second Meditation

"I think, therefore I am" (a dowser)

21 November 2007


Thirteen thousand, nine hundred and fifteen days since I arrived in this world and today I heard two phrases for the first time:

“She’s not allowed to wash my monkey!”

“Tillie took the cup off the mushroom!”

Interesting times.